His eyes have me pinned as surely as if I was shackled. I'm frozen to the spot, watching him advance on me with that half-smile lifting the corner of his mouth. In moments he will have me up against the wall in our hotel room and I'll be writhing against his fingers and gasping into his neck. Sweet payback for the blow-job in the car.
Since that awful time back in July, when we very nearly were Caught ~ as in busted ~ it has been a wild roller-coaster of a ride, for both of us. His sense of guilt, my panic at the idea of losing him, stretches of time out of town for both of us, all conspired against us. We were being tested, and I wasn't entirely sure we were going to make it. Our friendship was intact, our intimate relationship less so.
By the end of July, we were back on. Carefully so, paranoid beyond words of being Caught again. The strain was apparent early on. Our conversations, usually so easy, so in sync, were fraught with tension and stupid misunderstandings. Where we had once been able to seemingly read the other's mind, we were guessing ~ and getting it wrong. The trip back from our incredible weekend away was dominated by a long and painful talk about how we had to scale back.
Again.
This time I wasn't panicked, I was angry. I felt used and discarded. I stuck it out only because I could see that he felt awful, that he was genuinely sorry. We continued to talk ~ him actually trying, me mostly moping under a thin veneer of winks and lol's.
One night, in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I had something of a revelation. I had promised him, right from the start, that there were no expectations. That I would never ask him to leave his family, to choose me over them. And yet, somehow I had expectations. Worse, I was angry at him because they weren't being met. I had done exactly what I promised him I would never do. I was way out in left field, and mad at him for it.
The next day I told him we needed to talk. I laid it all out. I told him everything I had been thinking.
His response? 'Oh, thank God.' Heartfelt relief.
When I asked if we could just go back to having fun and enjoying each other again, in bed or out; I got a very enthusiastic yes. Almost instantly the connection was back. The banter was effortless. We started saying the same thing at the same time again. It was like a switch being thrown. I told him I wasn't concerned about sex, and left it there ~ up to him. Again, everything felt easy. He was pursuing me like he used to, suddenly playful and insatiable.
As I said to a blogger friend today: I know I still love him, but it's not relevant to the situation right now. Right now, we're having fun again. Right now, we're enjoying the hell out of each other. If, at some point, it becomes relevant, we'll talk about it. Without expectations. Until then...
I'm Caught...
His eyes smile into mine, blue and twinkling and filled with desire. His hand strokes my cheek, and I am happily rooted to the spot, thrilling to the waves of sparks his touch sends through my body. When his lips meet mine his kiss is full of laughter and easy affection. Our bodies are humming, in harmony with each other again. When we come together, skin on skin, it's sweet and explosive and mind-blowing all over again.
~ * ~
This is part of a group post organized by Kimberly, our very own Errant Wife. Please be sure to make the rounds and check out all the participants.
15 comments:
I can just relate to everything, including the expectations we create, despite promises of never doing that!
And caught like this, in a hotel room? Yeah, I'd be an easy prey!!
Great post :)
Oh girl, I relate so well to stripping away the expectations to make everything return to the well oiled machine it once was! I always say you and I echo each other... I'm so glad things are going well. This is the 'caught' that tripped us up in the first place, isn't it?
Lovely post hun!
The expectations are definitely what kills most of the fun. But it is so hard to just have fun all the time. But damn, you do know how to have fun ... Great post!
very intriguing. it's nice to keep it simple, enjoy the moment and not stress about the past and future. tends to make for more intimate moments i think. that was awesome to read. very touching as well.
fabulous - a great read and insight.
This was beautiful, thank you for sharing. Sometimes a little insight is a dangerous thing, but it's better to have it!
---Amy xxxx
Those expectations are a killer arent they....no matter how hard you try!
Thank you for sharing :)
Expectations.. I certainly know myself that they tend to cause me to toss and turn in my sleep some nights..
Great post!
I was relating your post back to my own situation at home... I realize all the other stresses of life creep in. But WHY can't we just take a step back and have fun again?
I like to see you smiling again. Seems you two work well together on many levels.
What a splendid read!!
Incidentally, I agree with A. up there: intimacy is so much sharper when eyes aren't trained on the past or future. Strange, though, how we're so drawn to "expectations" even though we all know that even the word itself oozes in heaviness.
Oh yes, caught. Those expectations are a bitch...
So true!
a good read, captivated me. speaking of being caught, iv got you "Tied."
finally i found someone who feels the way I do!! from the blow job in the car to the feelings...
i will be following you.
thanks for sharing!
A great window to what must be a turbulent process. Thanks for sharing.
I would be pissed too about being told that things had to be scaled back for a second time.
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