The Rollercoaster

Life, in case any of you hadn't yet noticed, is one big roller-coaster ride. Yeah, we've all seen Parenthood, we know the metaphor is apt; but really, I can't think of a better one.

It's one big roller-coaster ride, with a whole mess of smaller roller-coaster rides (family, relationships, work, school, kids, whatever...) going on within the larger one. You know... just to keep things interesting.

Finding Patrick late last year was a major "up" phase for me. It was exciting and fun and sexually and emotionally charged - and we both lived this year to the fullest. We took advantage of any time we could grab together and really enjoyed each other. He is probably one of my best friends besides everything else.

We had a rough summer. With the near disaster of being discovered just barely averted, we were very cautious. I found myself feeling a little distant. He'd hurt me and I wasn't keen on repeating the experience. I started to look for other diversions - some balance, if you will. I clearly needed to find some distance from this relationship if it had the power to devastate me in this way.

About this time is when Aiden re-entered my life, and he proved to be just what I needed to help me find that balance. More on him tomorrow.

As summer became autumn, Patrick began heating things up again. He started to talk about trying things we had never ventured into before. He started to exercise his dominance and we started to have long talks about D/s play. He was curious about it, sensed that I was interested, and wanted to try playing with it in the bedroom.

By November, we were almost back to the same intensity as the spring. He had started chatting with me via his phone again; and though I had concerns about it, like an idiot I went along.

The middle of December marked our one year anniversary - sort of an arbitrary date that we settled on, but it was the first time we went beyond simple kissing, so it seemed fitting. He actually managed a few hours away from work, and even brought me a flower to commemorate the occasion.

Everything was ticking along nicely.




Now, a little background:

There had been an episode in late September where his wife had texted my phone (!!) wanting to know who I was and what my relationship was with her husband. He dealt with it, coming down on her her pretty hard for pirating my number off his phone, and for invading the privacy of a "casual friend". I protested at the time, knowing that if he was ever found out, it would spell complete disaster for him; but he maintained that he had to react as if I was a casual friend.

Well, Dear Readers... can anyone guess what happened? No bonus points for this one... it's just too easy.

On Christmas Day, during that lull between gift madness and dinner chaos, we were chatting. Nothing too extreme, but definitely our usual sexy banter. At some point, unbeknownst to me, he went outside to shovel snow.

Leaving his Blackberry on the kitchen counter.

In plain view.

Not even set to Silent, kids! Seriously!! How dumb do you need to be?

Needless to say, the conversation was seen by his wife, and all hell broke loose at his house. The fallout included their children being told on Christmas Day that their father was leaving and that they would never see him again. Now, I do have some sympathy for her (though not much); but saying something like that to your kids seems a whole lot more like punishing them than getting revenge on your spouse. How to ruin Christmas for your children for all eternity in one easy step - way to go lady.

In addition, I got two text messages from him. They were along the lines of, "I can't believe you would send something like that to me. I am 100% committed to my family," and, "There can be no further contact between us. Don't reply." I have no doubt about who those messages came from, but they stung all the same.

In the end, he's still there. I don't know how he managed it, but he's still there. Probably those two text messages had something to do with it. He's since sent me a couple emails, full of anguish and apologies and pleas for understanding. My replies have made it clear that I'm also hurt and angry; and in my last one, requested that he not contact me again before January 11. At that point we can talk. I'll have my head on straighter, and will be able to see things much clearer.

At this point, it looks like cutting him loose entirely is my only option. I hate like hell to do it - he is one of my very closest friends, and one of a very few who knows me - all of me - everything - and loves me anyways; but I can't see any way to keep him in my life. It's too dangerous for me. Besides, if he's 100% committed to sorting out his marriage, then he needs to be just that. And he can't be if he's talking to me at all.

I'm truly torn. He's such a big part of my day-to-day life that not having him to talk to will leave a huge void. The whole thing just makes me sad. I don't want to be selfish (at the peril of both of our marriages), but I hate letting him go too.

This roller-coaster just hit bottom.