I'm a little mad at Society and The Establishment right now.
Why, you ask?
We've been misled, folks. It's all been lies.
Remember being told, at an early age yet, that you needed to start thinking about what you wanted to be when you grew up? The pressure as you got older to pick a career? The raised eyebrows if you still had no idea at the end of high-school?
How many of us just finally picked something that sounded like it wouldn't be too soul-destroying, and settled? How many of us spent years in school, half-heartedly pursuing a career in that "chosen field", only to find after a short tenure that we actually hated it, that it was nothing like we thought it would be? How many of you know, even now, what you *really* want to do with your life?
And yet, we all have parents or grand-parents or the like who spent their entire careers in one job, and professed to love it! Have we grown up in an era of just too many choices? Have we become so spoiled and entitled that there's no pleasing us, career-wise?
And what about our love lives? Clearly, from the number of unhappy spouses, partners, and exes roaming around blog-land, there's big problems there too.
I grew up like most little girls my age, surrounded by Disney Princesses and Barbies, and stories of Happily Ever After... and of course, totally bought into all of it, like every young girl does. I wanted to believe that someday a handsome, charming prince would sweep me off my feet and we would be together forever.
But in my mid-thirties, after several crushing experiences, a thought started to niggle at me persistently. It just wouldn't go away, no matter how happy I told myself I was.
What if this isn't how it's meant to be?
How many "perfect" couples do you know? Like, really perfect, forever couples? How many of us feel like we've been forced to meet our emotional and physical needs outside our relationships?
Do we really buy that whole "to death do us part" line anymore?
Is it even fair to expect one person to meet our every physical, emotional, or psychological need?
So much of it just seems like it's for show now. To prove to Society that we're "normal", that we fit in, that we're acceptable members. And in the meantime, we very quietly go about our "other" lives, trying to snatch a little happiness for ourselves while trying to avoid that thunderous disapproval.
Everywhere I turn, I see stories of heartbreak, of relationships breaking down, of disillusionment, and expectations dashed... and I think this increasingly ridiculous facade of a Society is partly to blame.
This all kind of came to a head for me while standing in a card store looking at Valentine's Day cards. I feel like I have to buy one for my husband, and yet I also feel like my feelings for him have deteriorated to such a point that I don't really want to. No point in buying one of those cutely suggestive cards, clearly, and I've never been one for the overly emotive cards either. I stood there feeling like I was actually buying a card for a good friend rather than the person I'm married to.
Sigh...
Yeah, I'm feeling kind of fed up with the game these days, can you tell?
What are your thoughts? Feel free to discuss in the comments...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
1 year ago
12 comments:
A quote from a movie: "this is me with you." We all grow and change and unless your partner is always able to miraculously change with you then at some point you are no longer perfect for one another other than maybe a companion. That doesn't make either at fault.
I think, after 10 years of post-secondary education I do finally know what I want to be when I grow up. Thank goodness!
As for relationships, I think the problem is we've bought into the myths about forever...forever is a mighty long time. Perhaps it's too long for anyone to stay together and be happy without looking for outside sources of comfort, companionship, intimacy, etc.
It was really hard to pick out a card for the husband this year. There just isn't one that says, "gee I hope we can make our marriage work but in the meantime I'm really enjoying sex in a parking lot with someone else. I hope you step up to the plate."
*sigh*
I wish I had the answers but in the meantime I share your frustration.
Like G.G. I too spent several minutes trying to find a card which said what I wanted it to say. There wasn't one, so in the end I picked one which said nothing. I thought that pretty much summed up everything I had to say about the state of our relationship on Valentine's day. I did the convention - I got the card and will leave it for him.
I wish someone, somewhere had the answers because there are an awful lot of us looking for them!
Yep, society "tells" people through image and words that to lead a successful life you need to tick boxes A, B, and C.
I still have no idea on what would be a great career for me, something that I would be passionate about. I left school at 16 when I was offered an apprenticeship in Floristry and because I didn't see the point of studying for something that I may never get a job in I took the opportunity. That's me being practical though, comes from my father.
The being swept of your feet Disney Dream is responsible for a lot of unhappy women and men I believe ( and some real bitches too! Who believe they are owed somehow by their husbands) Expectations have a huge part to play in this dilemna too. Have you ever noticed how some people expect their partners to change when they get serious? It starts off with small things and before you know it the person you fell in love with is not that person anymore. ( Although, that can happen anyway in life)
Now is my 2nd really comitted relationship I have found someone who is a "perfect" fit for me...( That doesn't make US perfect though. Whether or not we last forever though no one can say. What makes it right for us is that we both have the ability to communicate openly and although engaged I don't see the point in the piece of paper anymore. We are married in my eyes. We call eachother husband and wife.
Valentine's Day is a wank in my opinion. And I can say that having worked many Valentine's Days. It is over commercialised and you can blame society and the media for that, just like Christams and Easter. You don't need a special day to tell or show someone you love them. ( Nor do you need to spend a whole lot of money. Get creative.)
Lucky J and I agree on this! Not to say we don't do something.. we sometimes do, just depends on the mood. I used to be to wrecked after work anyway!
No real answers here, except I remove myself from some of the obligations that people put on me. I find that sometimes this alienates me a bit though.
I do believe we have far too many choices for people to decide on something now too. We have a high rate of depression. Could that be because we as a society are telling people " You can have it all " ?? Truth is you can't. Nothing is perfect. Maybe people were happier in the old days because they had less choice? Less expecatations? Less Selfish? Perhaps they were happy with what they DID have and were not striving for material goods and status.
This has perplexed me for some time and is probably the thing I am most passionate about! Great Post. :)
"What's Up" by Four Non-Blonds comes to mind...
I know what I want to do, I also know it's no way to make a living.
But it makes me feel fulfilled. Not 'happy', but definitely 'satisfied'.
The storybook ending may no longer exist - maybe it never did - but there are ways to go to bed at night in a better mood than you were in waking up. In my early 30s, I think I can live with that.
"When I grow up [...] I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies."
Seriously... I wanted to be a surgeon, but I'm not. I have a job I like, that allows me to come home at a decent time and make dinner (sorta). I help people out during the day and for me, it's satisfying (and pays the bills).
I'm also certain that being with one person for the rest of your life isn't realistic. To be happy completely forever after? Impossible. My parents seem to be though...
As for the rest, the cars, the cottage, the expensive clothes and jewelry, I don't need that to be happy.
Lots of good thoughts and advice here, as usual.
We need to talk, too. I go through the same conflicted mental process every year.
XO
I've already written some about this subject here. (http://mystic-satyr.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-people-as-property.html)
I think a lot of the current assumptions about what relationships should be are frankly insane. And I seriously think Disney has done a LOT of harm feeding kids the expectation of "happily ever after."
You're asking all the right questions. And I think you already know the answers.... :-)
Cheers,
Max
Part of the issue is that we even *allow* ourselves to feel as if we have to do what 'society' feels we 'should'. I think more and more these days people are deviating from that. And I commend that.
Open marriages, SAHM's going to school to get a careers at 40, same sex marriages....we're deviating from the fairy tale 'this is how it should be done'.
I say do what you want to do. Not what you feel you should or what everyone else feels you should.
xo
I've read somewhere that the concept of life long marriages was "invented" back when the expected life span was 30 something, and an average marriage lasted about 12 years - but it was still "until death do us part". I've been with my husband for 15 years, so maybe I've done my part...? Just wish we'd had kids sooner, then they wouldn't be so young now, and I wouldn't feel I'd have to stay for them. If my husband was a wife-beater I'd leave of course, but he isn't. He's a great guy, wonderful father... just doesn't meet my needs. So I'm in a bubble... unable to find good enough reasons to leave, but also unable to feel that that bubble is enough. I look elsewhere for what I want, and I'm struggling to get comfortable with doing so.
I'm so glad I found your blog, great post! I'll keep reading.
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