I think sometimes we, in the blogosphere, forget how lucky we are, especially in this tight-knit community of so-called "sex bloggers" (I don't like the term either, but it's all that's coming to mind just this second). We tend to be a pretty open-minded bunch, accepting of the faults and foibles of others and ourselves, and ready to hear people out before making a decision.
It's pretty clear the majority of society does not share this approach to the private lives of others. There seems to be a whole lot of people living in glass houses with pockets full of stones, just itching for someone to vilify.
If my experiences of the past couple years has taught me anything, it is that I used to be pretty judge-y. I would berate the actions and decisions of other, based off my initial knee-jerk feelings about it, and then stubbornly stick to that, often unfair, judgment.
Now, I'm far more willing to listen to all the circumstances, to take into consideration the events or past experiences that might have led up to a decision or action. I started to notice this right around the time the whole Tiger Woods "thing" blew up. Most of my friends immediately wrote him off as a Bad Person, roundly condemning him and vowing to never cheer for him ever again.Many took great pleasure in his downfall, even saying he deserved it for thinking he was "so big".
My response was quite different.
I pointed out, several times, that we had no idea what his marriage entailed; what the deal was between him and his wife. And not only that, but it was none of our business! It seemed to me like a perfect example of "Tall Poppy Syndrome". The media, and those who allow the media to form their opinions, seem to take great delight in dragging down anyone who has achieved greatness. They look for that chink in the armour and then hack away at it, and they don't seem to care who gets hurt in the process.
Recently I've been watching this happen to another public figure - Kate Hudson. A few weeks ago she was photographed drinking what appeared to be wine, while pregnant. There was never any indication that it was, in fact, wine, in that glass, but the haters jumped all over that picture and she was condemned as a Bad Mother.
This week, she is on the cover of In Style magazine, and gives quite a candid interview inside, and I knew, as soon as I read it, that she was going to be slammed for it.
Here is the paragraph that seems to be the issue for most people, on the topic of whether she'll marry baby-daddy Matthew Bellamy:
"I wouldn't count it out. My own parents aren't married, and anybody who has seen how we love, open our arms, and accept people with all of their faults knows I come from a great, happy home. A wedding is a beautiful thing - and I love the idea of two people celebrating their love and bringing their families together - but Matthew and I kind of skipped that part and went right to the good stuff!"
This, to me, seems like a very mature, considered explanation of her feelings on marriage. And I'm sure anyone who's had a marriage fall apart (especially if it happened publicly as hers did) would feel somewhat the same about marrying again. But, wow, have the judgers ever come charging out the corners on this one.
Again, she's a Bad Mother; now bordering on being a Bad Person, because she doesn't necessarily think she needs to be married in order to have a (happy, well cared for) child. I'd think anyone looking at her childhood, lived with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell (very famously not married), would completely understand her viewpoint.
I also notice that very few people have condemned Angelina Jolie for making essentially the same decision while she traipses around the globe collecting children with her "life partner". Is it only because Kate dared to actually put voice to her opinion, while Angelina really hasn't? Or has the husband-stealing Angelina been completely morphed into Saint Angelina, and therefore become off-limits for this kind of talk?
Is it really any of our business? Do we have any right to bleat about how we think another person should live their life? I think you know what my thoughts are...
What about you - how do you see this?
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
1 year ago
16 comments:
It's very easy to judge people who are different from others. I think being different, or unconventional, is always going to be perceived as not normal by the so-called "normal" people, which will always make you a target for criticism.
I don't think it's any of our business at all - unfortunately, the majority of society wouldn't agree with me - which is why there is so much outrage and at the same time fascination with the lives of starts. Easy to forget that these are real people who are put into extraordinary circumstances. Who are we to judge?
I think I used to be fairly judgemental as well...but now, like you, I find my mind a bit more open - perhaps partly because of this little blog community that we all share, perhaps just life lessons. Perhaps because my my life which appears on the outside to be perfect, isn't as perfect as people presume...
Glass houses indeed.
I couldn't agree more. I used to be THE most judgemental person I know, even telling my best friend off for straying when he had a wife who loved him, that he should *communicate* his concerns with her, work on them etc etc. Then it happened to me and I finally understood where he was coming from. Finally understood why sometimes no amount of communication works and you give up and seek your own happiness.
Hi baby....
I too was like you before the last couple of years. I dare say those events and this community changed me....softened me to see things in a different light.
Walk a mile in our shoes.....yes?
I'm still a pretty good bleated though when i wanna be.
Hope all is well.
xx
-sg
southerngirl
Scarlett, you continue to amaze me. While many of the rest of us are writing about sex this and sex that, you're bringing us all back to reality with a salient blog about glass houses. What a perfect topic, while most of us are busily crawling about attempting to hide all of the stones that lie outside the walls of our own glass houses.
People are too quick to jump to conclusions without looking at all angles and facts. Like you, I was not going to jump onto the Tiger Woods is the scum of the earth bandwagon because - well - it takes two to tango. No idea what the marriage is like, etc, etc.
But, that's how I am about most things in my life. Emotional responses are easy - judgement is easy. Takes a bigger person to step back and ask questions to find out if the emotional response is warranted and right.
Good post!
~Emmy
So agree... When the Tiger thing was happening I would say to people..."you don't know what's happening in his marriage, or what kind of arrangement they might have, etc." To each their own.. we should all learn to listen more and talk less, especially the media! I have several friends that drank wine when prego, and just because I didn't, I still didn't judge them!
Couple of thoughts on this issue. In general, I think judging is what we, as a species, do BEST. The rapid subconscious analysis of situations is what makes us the dominant species on the planet. That being said, I think taking that judgment beyond a 'threat/benefit' (or in my casing boring/not boring) level to the 'good/evil' level is dangerous and a big problem in a world filled with superficial levels of information. I feel especially bad about normal people who get media stories written about what terrible parents/spouses/employees that are based on very sparse evidence with little or no follow-up. Those people didn't ASK to be in the spotlight and didn't sign on for it.
In the case of celebrities like Tiger...I got no sympathy. He made literally a BILLION dollars exploiting people's willingness to judge him favorably with little or no reason to. Now he's feeling with the back-lash. Boo-hoo. If he'd just played golf and otherwise kept to himself, no way would it have been the issue it is. He chose to shill Oldsmobile, and Nike and video games and whatever else. That's the risk you take with endorsement deals.
Great post. I used to be fairly judgmental, in that I thought there was a "right" (i.e., traditional) way of doing things. I no longer think that way.
I ended up doing so many things I thought I would *never* do - and they were the right things for the circumstances. The end result was that I can no longer presume to say what's right or wrong for anyone else.
Everyone has to choose their own path, and take responsibility for their decisions.
I agree with Emmy. It is much harder to take a step back and realize that you don't know everything. I don't think I have ever been really judgemental, but I do judge more than I like. Learning not to judge take practice and consideration. It also means admitting that we don't ever know everything.
I have learned that people, including celebrities, will live their lives in their own terms. Not for their fans, nor the public. I respect their choices, even if I don't agree with them. I am not them, and you are correct, we don't know them as real "people".
Besides how would we feel if others would tell us how should live our lives, who we should love, etc.
I too, like so many others who commented was also a very judgmental person....until I found myself in the shoes of those who I've judged. Infidelity? Me? --no way....until it happened. I'm not saying it was for the best, but I definitely find that I've opened my mind (and closed my mouth) when it comes to other peoples 'issues'...live and learn and grow.
After the whole Tiger Woods fiasco I went and bought a dvd called "Tiger's Favorite 18 Holes". Unfortunately it was about golf.
I used to be one of those judger's as well when I was younger. Growing up middle class in a poor city left me with preconceived notions of what is right and wrong. While I've learned more about myself, I've become so much more introspective.
We, as a collective society, need to just sit back and relax, it is not our place to judge something that we don't know the whole story/truth/untruth to, as is the case in most public lives.
That being said, the world is not as black and white as the media would have us believe.
There are far too many shades of grey in this world for us to be throwing stones.
after seeing how many people did not and do not judge me with my blog, i realized how special those people are and it made me realize I was and sometimes do judge others when i really shouldn't! my readers are the ones who opened my eyes to see this. and i wish they were tangible friends because i need friends like that.
Been lurking for a bit but my strong agreement with this post made me write. I do think many folks enjoy being able to judge celebrities from afar because there is no chance the scrutiny will be turned back on them.
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