Make the Connection

I had a long, and interesting, conversation with a blog friend about the nature of my *ahem* "extracurricular" activities, and the effect they have on my life, and the lives of the men in my life.

You see, I've never been interested in just "getting off". If all I wanted was to get fucked, I could be doing that any night of the week that I wanted to. This isn't bragging. It's simply the nature of the "adult" dating websites. Women are vastly outnumbered by the men and we can pretty much have our pick at our whim. I'm not interested in that kind of activity. I have my toys and lots of batteries for that purpose.

My problem, if you choose to see it that way, is that I'm looking for something else. Something far deeper.

As most of you already know, I'm completely, utterly, touch-starved at home. Between his long stretches of time away for work, and his total disinterest in intimacy, my husband could happily go months between any sort of touch. No hand-holding, no soft caresses, no kisses, nothing. It's a wasteland.

Right from the beginning, I've insisted on a connection with anyone I meet. If all you're out for is an occasional screw, I'm SO not your girl. I want to know you. I want to like you. I want us to click, I want there to be a relationship. A friendship above all else, but a relationship.

The problem is, that this can play havoc with one's emotions. Completely foreseeable, yes; but a bit unnerving nonetheless.

Patrick and I found that connection instantly. It surprised both of us with its strength and intensity, but we reveled in it. We loved each other. On a lot of levels, we still do. I speculated once, and he confirmed at the time, that the only thing holding him in his marriage was his children, and I completely understood that.

It's a bit easier for me, to be fair. I come to any relationship unburdened by the ties of children. I know how huge a pull they are - and absolutely should be. People get married for any number of reasons - some good, some bad - but once kids are in the picture, well, things change. They have to. I would worry about someone who didn't feel that need to be with his kids.

In a lot of ways, I am kind of the perfect woman to have an affair with. I'll never ask you to change your circumstances for me, I won't cling and demand more time, I will never ask you to take time away from your family, I have no desire (and never have had, really) to dish about my "exploits" with my girlfriends - this blog notwithstanding. No one in my real life will ever know about you. I am a No Strings Attached relationship in all ways but that one.

Aiden complained once, good-naturedly so, that I was supposed to be his out-of-town playmate. He knew from the start, as did Patrick, that I wasn't interested in a disconnected fuck; but thought he could manage it. And for a little while, he says, he did just that. Except that he kept thinking about me, about our time together. And he stayed in touch, even when it seemed we would never have more than that one time.

Instead, he and I have found a deeper connection - one that rivals, possibly even surpasses, the one between Patrick and I. This is astounding to me. That two such incredible men could feel this way about me was something inconceivable to me a mere year ago.

Lately, I've been feeling a strong need for real, loving intimacy. For all the fun I have playing with submission and role playing, right now I really need some very vanilla, look-me-in-the-eye, someone-gives-a-shit-about-me lovemaking. The kind I'm not getting (and may never get...) from my husband. I recognize that this makes me vulnerable to giving in to Patrick. He's been hinting around about trying to get together again; and I know, beyond all doubt, that he and I could pick right up where we left off.

Before you all chime in with a comment - don't worry. I have no plans of allowing that to happen. He's actually making progress at home, and though we still talk nearly every day, I have no intention of interfering with that. He is a dangerous temptation for me, but one I know that I need to avoid. I will be strong. (Dear God, help me, I will be strong...)

Aiden is a much safer temptation. He's further away, he's infinitely more careful, he understands the need for balance for both of us; and, oh, that spark between us... it intensifies every time we are together.

I just need to hang on until he gets here. A little over a month from now.

I think I need to buy more batteries...