I have always heard that the opposite of Love isn't Hate; it is, in fact, Indifference.
While I don't necessarily agree 100% with this nugget of wisdom, I think it definitely has a point.
So what should one conclude when one's spouse starts to treat them with thoughtless disregard? Isn't that just a flavor of indifference? If you don't care about someone's feelings, how likely are you to stop and consider them before acting?
Here's an example: Liz comes home after a long day at work. Liz's spouse, Phil, has been home all day; in fact, has been home for a number of days, still enjoying vacation days. Despite this surfeit of free time, Phil has not pitched in with meals, or taking over chores, or the like; instead he has sat around and relaxed, leaving all that "stuff" to Liz.
When Liz arrives home that night, she has exactly 30 minutes before she has to run back out for a commitment (a run). She's hoping against hope that dinner might be started, or even a snack prepared, as she won't have time to sort anything out before she has to leave.
Nothing. Not only that, but Phil's buddy Larry is over and has parked his huge truck smack in the middle of the driveway, blocking access to the garage. Liz leaves the house on an empty stomach, somewhat irritated.
When she returns, an hour later, there is still no activity in the kitchen. Phil is still lounging happily, TV on. When Liz asks if he has any plans for dinner, he shrugs.
Here's the kicker: Liz goes to have a shower, and when she comes back out, Phil is eating a snack he made for himself while she was in the shower. Liz ends up making dinner herself (which Phil eats half of), and spending the rest of the evening feeling angry and resentful.
What's the underlying message here? What should Liz take away from this experience?
You tell me...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
1 year ago
12 comments:
Aside from a few details, I lived this scene time and again with my ex. For me, the anger and resentment sank into my body in the most destructive of ways.
It saddens to me to read this because it speaks of a self-centred distraction, an essentially uncaring indifference that does nothing to bring two people together.
In the end, this leaves me heavy of heart... xx
That would have been my attitude - being resentful, irritated and not speaking about it. After therapy, I would have said what I didn't like, plain and simple, in a non passive aggressive way.
Usually things don't get any better once those feelings sink in. And if one doesn't say anything, the other just assume things are okay, you know?
Underlying message? Phil's a douche!
What should Liz take from this? Be a little more assertive. Tell Phil how it makes her feel. He probably doesn't realize he's being a douche. :)
In any respect, don't let things like this fester.
The devil's always in the details. Is it a shitty way to act? Sure. Is it indicative of a sense of indifference or fading love? I dunno. Most of us act shitty towards our spouses from time-to-time. It doeant mean we dont love em. It means we're busy and lifes hard and sometimes we make bad choices. Is this an example of everyday behavior? Or once-in-a-while? More importantly to me is was it dome with intent. But to me carelessness is a problem, but it's not nearly as bad as maliciousness.
I'm not asking you to provide answers to these questions, just pointing out that there ain't none of us here, that can really answer them for you.
Phil takes Liz for granted and Liz should have spoken up long ago. Her resentment is eating her up inside and he is oblivious to it.
If she doesn't talk to him about his behavior, things like this will continue to go on until Liz either blows or walks out. It may not help, but maybe it will. If she doesn't have a serious conversation with him, a break up is the inevitable conclusion.
I wouldn't expect Liz to feel very good about it, or the relationship. But I bet Liz already knows that.
Liz has my very best wishes. And my hopes for a change of one kind or another....
I'd say that Phil is being passive-aggressive towards Liz, whether on purpose or not is difficult to say
time to depart is what Liz should do
This sounds very familiar for myself (in my primary) and for Chloe...it sucks...the thought of changes happening...unlikely...
Jack
Communicate her feelings in a non aggressive way. If Phil still doesn't man up, at least Liz is trying.
The take-away that I see in this is that they have to have at least one honest conversation about how his behavior makes her feel. Once it has been discussed, an action plan is put forward outlining his commitments and hers since he'll ask for something to change as well.
Once they've agreed on steps to take, you give it 2 months with weekly conversations, and then, when you realize that he's not ever ever ever going to change, you enlist your dearest and closest friends to hide the body.
I hear this type of thing from women all the time. Most of the men I've heard from feel the indifference differently, feeling as if they're just a walking paycheck to a woman, and that's it. As long as he keeps getting paid and she can stay at home, she's interested.
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