Monday Sunshine ~ Truths

I have shamelessly pilfered this from Osbasso. He posted it a little while ago and it gave me a great laugh right when I dearly needed one. SO many home truths here....  I've added my own smart-ass thoughts after each.

Enjoy!

*****

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.   (Hooo baby... do I feel this one! Any volunteers? Don't forget that external HD with all those incriminating photos!)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.   (And then having to admit it... ugh..)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.   (Mmmmmm..... nap time... zzzzzzz)
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.   (It would be my default choice...)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?   (You're supposed to *fold* them??)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?   (How many of you had to think for a minute about WTF cursive is?)
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.   (Excellent point...)
8. Obituaries would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.  (Dunno about you, but I always check to see what charity is benefitting...)
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.   (Hell, I wake up tired...)
10. Bad decisions make good stories.   (Many would say they make better stories too...)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.   (For me, it's generally right after lunch...)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.   (Are you listening, Apple TV?)
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.   (Gut-check time! Just say no...)
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means that I will never wash this--ever.   (Pffft... it means I'll wash it and hang it to dry.... )
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?   (Seriously.. I hate this phenomenon... is it sudden-onset deafness, or are you screening?)
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.   (And all these hair products aint cheap, mister...)
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.   (Ummm, yeah... like the wife of the man I was fucking.... yikes...)
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.   (Mine has one!! :-))
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.   (Or red wine... or gin and tonics... or Grey Goose Martinis...)
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.   (Or an "Avoid the Busiest Roads in This Damn City" option...)
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.   (The Graduate.... Saturday Night Fever... )
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.   (And have tripped up the steps from the garage to the house several times doing jsut that...)
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.   (It's bad to text and drive, right? Oops...)
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.   (Boredom has added more width to my ass than cheesecake...)
25. How many times is it appropriate to say, "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?   (A logical consequence of all that loud music from my youth... I can't hear yooooouuuuuu....)
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!   (I have this moment every day, getting on the highway to go home.... makes me crazy with rage when someone lets one of those jackasses in.)
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.   (Umm.. ew.)
28. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?   (As a former high-school teacher, I can say with some authority - Hells yes.)
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.   (I don't know what you-- whoops!!)
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.   (Even when I'm on a bicycle, I'm aware that I'd hate me if I was driving...)
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.   (Which is why I no longer bother wearing a watch...)
32. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell pone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!   (You could move my alarm clock between every snooze session and I could still hit that baby first time, every time...)

Thanks Os, for the best laugh I'd had in a long time when I read this...